Steven Wright

This man has perfected the art of dry humored one liners. He's perfectly quotable and I have taken the liberty of finding some of his funniest stuff and laying it down on this page. I stole the quotes from this link.

"All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand."

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

"Okay, so what's the speed of dark?"

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

"Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route."

"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good."

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Someone sent me a postcard picture of the Earth. On the back it said 'Wish You Were Here'."

"I have two very rare photographs. One is of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."

"I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"So I was crossing the border into Canada and they asked me if I had any firearms. I said 'Well, what do you need?'"

"I was in the grocery store when I saw a sign that said 'Pet Supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'Compact Cars'."

"When I was young, I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me cross the street."

"Smoking cures weight problems. Eventually."

"It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows."

"I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum."

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman was confused. He said 'I don't understand, it was supposed to be hot today.'"

I was in a job interview when I opened up a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know.' I said 'I don't want your job.'"

"I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time."

"My grandfather gave me a watch without any hands or numbers. He said it was very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me."

"There's this light switch in my house that doesn't do anything. I turn it off and on every once in a while just to check. Yesterday I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said 'Cut it out'."

"I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said 'Hello, information'. I said 'I can't find my socks.' She said 'They're behind the couch'. And they were."

"When I was a child, I had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child. Eventually."

"I went to a restaurant that served breakfast anytime. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me and I say 'Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need and I'd say 'Extra medium'."

"I saw a small bottle of cologne and ask the clerk how much it was. She said it was free with purchase. I asked her if anyone had bought anything from her today."

"Today I called a wrong number. Someone picked up and said 'Hello?' I asked if I could speak with Joey. She said 'Uh, I don't think so, he's only two months old'. I said 'I'll wait'."

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